December 24, 2007
“Santa”
Two prostitutes are walking down the street when one sees Father
Christmas at the end of the block. Excited she says to the
other "Wow Sis, look, there’s Santa! What do we ask from him?"
To which the other one replies "40 bucks, like anyone else"
December 3, 2007
“Threesome”
Advantages/Disadvantages of
Having a Threesome:
Advantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone
can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's
always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms
split 3 ways are cheep
5. You get to watch your best friends
6. You get to get watched
7. Simultaneous intercourse and
oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange
looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks
when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough
people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. Calling out
the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong
name" is probably the one on your left
12. Three-person showers
are fantastic
Disadvantages
1. It can get really
weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza
toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull
off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the
bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your
butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You
get to find out what kind of kinky things your friends like
7.
Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8.
Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your
notebooks
9. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal
number of relationships
10. Now there are multiple wet spots to
avoid.
December 4, 2007
"Yours"
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents
room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over
the dresser and dad going at it behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him
and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and
little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what
the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny
when its your mom, is it?
December 5, 2007
“Draw”
Guy and girl meet at a bar and are instantly attracted
to each other. They party all night and at the end decide to go back
to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start
to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom,
gets undressed and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the
guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in
then starts to undress and stops with just his shorts
on. He reaches into a night stand, pulls out a magic
marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it and
says, "What's this for?"
He looks at her and drops his shorts.
She gasps, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his
cock which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "You’re gonna have to
draw a line somewhere baby...."
December 6th,
2007
"Baby"
December 7, 2007
“Quickies”
Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He opted
to stick it out a while longer.
What do girls and rocks have
in common?
Everyone skips the flat ones.
Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can
hear a zipper a mile away.
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
It's
the one with the teeth marks on the cap.
Who is the most popular guy at a weekend long orgy?
The guy
who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at a weekend long orgy?
The one who can eat the last
donut!
December 10,
2007
“Abe”
A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat sits
down at a bar and orders a drink.
“Goin’ to a party?” the
bartender asks.
“Yeah,” the man replies, “I’m supposed to go
dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abraham
Lincoln.”
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven
years ago.”
December 11,
2007
“Rough”
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first
date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that
to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough &
Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening
out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on
the back of his new Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers
bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the
bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the
bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and
rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh
yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So
saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
December 12, 2007
"Hobby"
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December 13,
2007
“Heart”
Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the
death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself
and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over
quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become
a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to
inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The
doctor told her, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night
Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left
knee.
December 14,
2007
“Nooner”
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer
left the house for the fields, they would have a quickie. When Homer
came back from the fields, it was a shower then sex. And
at
bedtime, they would go at it again.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor
what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't
lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one
day, when Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, have fun, and
then she'd go back home agin."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen
her since huntin' season started."
December 17,
2007
“Maid”
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that
he
was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D.
"He says
he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it
has to be
her."
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "these
things
happen."
"I know, Doctor," said the guy, "but I have to
admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid and I seem to have
the
same symptoms."
The doctor replied, "That's unfortunate
but treatable."
The guy continued, "Not only that, I think I've
passed it to my wife."
"Oh Shit," said the doc, "That means we all have
it!"
December 18, 2007
“Definition”
What is
FOREPLAY?
- The loving before the shoving.
- The petting
before the getting.
-The licking before the pricking.
- The
stroking before the poking.
- The procrastination preceding
penetration.
- The lingering and the
fingering.
December 19, 2007
“Kinsey”
It was a course in human sexuality and on this particular
day they were studying the Kinsey Report. As the professor was
citing different statistics, he commented that one particular woman
in the study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a
single session.
There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.
A male voice piped up and asked, "Wow... who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "Never mind
that, who was HE?"
December 20, 2007
“Fax”
Three women, two younger and one
senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a
beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my
pager” she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted
her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained, “That was my
cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand”
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be out done she
decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out
of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of
toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their
eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said,
“Well, will you look at that? I’m getting a
fax!”
December 21, 2007
“Blindfold”
A guy with a huge thick dick
has a lot of trouble trying to get laid. When women see the size of
his pecker they make their excuses and leave. So he thinks of a
cunning plan, meets a girl and after a few dates they go to his
house.
Once they get to the
bedroom he says to her, "Do you mind if we do it my
way?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh, I would just like you
to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all?" she
answers.
While she starts taking off her clothes he puts on the
blindfold.
"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she
asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers as he
undresses.
"What religion is that?" she enquires.
"I'm an
agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.
As he starts to enter
her she says "Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one
of those people who doesn't believe in.....Jesus, JESUS, JEEESUSSS!"
