February 1st,
2007
"6:45"
Four guys who worked together
always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one
of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about
trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee
said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were
hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see
what they thought.
They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up
setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts
and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.
Meanwhile, she
was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her
back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this
time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of
the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they
asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their
round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're
going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's
easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my
husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the
right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf
left-handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed
straight up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here
at 6:45."
February 2nd, 2007
"S & M"
Sue and Sally meet at their
30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since
graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The
conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and
finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it
on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally
replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M." Sue is
aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go
for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I
masturbate."
February 5th,
2007
“Guilt”
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every
time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then
afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no
doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this
matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed
the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterward
February 6th, 2007
"Hardware"
This girl walks into a
hardware store as she needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she
takes it to the counter, the clerk asks, "You wanna screw for that
hinge?"
To which she
replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that 42 inch flat screen HDTV on
the top shelf."
February 7th, 2007
"Blackboard"
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she
noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters)
on the blackboard.
She scanned the class looking for a guilty
face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The
next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time
it was written a little bit bigger. Again she looked around in vain
for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every
morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger
than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the
end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board but instead found the words:
"The more you
rub it, the bigger it gets."
February 8th, 2007
"Screwing"
It's the Spring of 1957 and
Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own
car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and
invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a
seat?," he says. "Yes Sir" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby
what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will
probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father
responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids
are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to
Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries
father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we
let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan
for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few
minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
February 9th, 2007
“Another”
A bloke walks into a pub and he sees this gorgeous
woman at the bar. He decides to go over and chat her up.
After a hello the lady says, “I think you're wasting
your time, I'm only interested in women.”
“Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind” boasts
the bloke, and he went on and on. After ten minutes of him pestering
her, she has had enough.
“OK” the woman offers “I'll sleep with you if you
can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!”
“Barman, get this lady another drink” the bloke
shouts out, and turning to the woman he replies “let's see your
vibrator do that!”
February 12th, 2007
“Wanted”
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who
can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden,
classical music and tal-
king without getting too
serious.
But please only read lines 1,3, and
5.
February 13th, 2007
"Southwest"
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the
flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The crewmember
responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes
she did." The flight attendant thought for a moment then said,
"Well, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Then, ask your mother explain
what that means."
February 14th, 2007
"Anniversary"
A husband a wife were
celebrating their 80th wedding anniversary, and the media was there
to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to
their successful marriage and longevity. The lady replied that
they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to
confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"
The wife
quickly replied, "Oh, thousands of times, and twice in a buggy!"
February 15th, 2007
“Ravished”
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket,
two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and
says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I going to carry all this home?
The livestock dealer says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer
says, and off he goes. While walking home he meets a middle aged
lady who told him she was lost. She asks, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I
live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go
down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The woman replies, "I
am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer exclaims, "Holy smokes lady!
I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in
the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do
that?" She looks him in the eye and says, "Set the goose
down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the
bucket...I'll hold the chickens."
February 16th, 2007
“Beautiful”
Joe walks into a bar and plops on a bar stool. His
friend, setting on the next bar stool looks over and says, “Joe, I
haven’t seen you here in months. How are you doing?”
Joe replies, “Not too good. I’m having some trouble
at home. My wife won’t let me into the house. Could I sleep on your
sofa tonight?” His friend says “Sure, but what happened?” So Joe
relates his story.
Well, a couple of months ago my wife said that I had
to cut out going to the bar and drinking because money was tight.
This afternoon I was paying bills and I noticed that my wife had
spent 65 dollars on cosmetics. When she got home I asked her “Why do
I have to stop going to the bar and having a few beers with
my friends when you get to spend 65 bucks on makeup?” She
said “Honey, that’s were I can look beautiful to you.”
And I blurted out, “That’s what
the beer is for!”
February 19th, 2007
“Nudist”
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he
cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to
his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but
accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he
realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't
notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from
his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your
hair style...it makes your nose look too long."
February 20th, 2007
"Gorilla"
A guy wakes up one morning to
find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds an
animal removal service. When he asks if they can remove the
gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?" "Male," he
replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a
Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does,
the trained Chihuahua will try to bite the gorilla's testicles off.
The gorilla will then will cross his hands to protect himself,
allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What
do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy
replies, "If I start falling out of the tree before the gorilla
does, shoot the Chihuahua!
February 21st, 2007
“Hour”
The Dean of Women at an exclusive
girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. As she
ened her talk she stated, "We live today in very difficult times for
young people. In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse
me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
February 22nd, 2007
"Dress"
Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her
friend at work. "That good looking Alan in accounting asked me out
for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine
you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment.
Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?"
"Wear an old
dress."
February 23rd,
2007
“Frog”
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the
road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you
kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his
shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you
kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods
and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess
and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer
smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've
promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you
won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies.
"I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty
neat."
February 26th,
2007
“Dick”
I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.
A
penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An
organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.
It
starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His
testicles on either side, his willy in between.
It dangles neatly
down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint
of lust, it's ready to uncoil.
It seems to have a mind all of
its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and
stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it
misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets
it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.
During summer, wearing
little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
will make it squirm and reach.
But handle it with love and
care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has
grown - now when did I last measure?
Some men will fret about
their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long
enough? It makes them quite distraught.
They sneak a look in
toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back
at them, there's no way they can pee!
Masturbating is a sin -
at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag
would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit
defeat.
It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will
agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to
pee!
But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed
flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to
shoot.
And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and
frail.
Don't take it out in public
though, or you'll be thrown in jail!
February 27th,
2007
"Lifeline"
A couple are in bed watching
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
The guy suggests that they turn
off the television and have sex.
The wife says, "Not tonight
dear." and her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
After she responds, "Yes." he
replies, "Then, I'd like to call a friend.”
February 28th,
2007
“Thor”
Thor, the god of
thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night
and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful
woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love,
over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal
his true identity, says "I am Thor!"
The women replies, "You think you're thor, I'm so thor I can
hardly pith!"
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