January 1, 2007
”Bear”
A hunter goes into the gun shop, and buys a rifle to go bear
hunting. He gets to the forest, and sees a bear. He aims the rifle
and shoots, fur flies everywhere. He goes up to see how badly hurt
the bear is, when all of a sudden there is a tap on his shoulder.
It's the bear.
The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and fucks him up the
ass.
The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a double
barreled shotgun, then heads back to the forest. He sees the bear,
and shoots at him - fur flies everywhere. He walks up to see if he
hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. It's the bear again. The
bear picks him up, turns him over, yanks down his drawers, and
screws him silly.
The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys an M16, then heads
back to the forest. Seeing the bear, he shoots at him, fur flies
everywhere. He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his
shoulder. It's the bear again. The bear picks him up, strips him,
and butt fucks him long and slow.
The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a rocket launcher,
then heads back to the forest. Seeing the bear, he fires five
rockets at him, explosions and fur flies everywhere. He walks up to
see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. The bear says,
"You don't really come up here for the hunting, do you?"
January 2, 2007
“Numbers”
When I was 17 years old, my father sat me down and said, "Son, do
you have any questions about the birds and the bees."
I replied,
"Well Dad, why do they put serial numbers on condoms."
My father
gave me a strange look and told me that there are no serial
numbers on condoms. I laughed, telling him that he must not roll
them down far enough to see the numbers.
January 3, 2007
“Blonde”
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be
honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman
says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole
bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't
picture your husband as a blonde!"
January 4, 2007
"Sex"
Someone on the internet has
figured out there are six kinds of sex
1. The first is Smurf
Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it
until you're blue in the face.
2. The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.
3. The third
kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so
you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the
hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some.
5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is
when you get divorced and your spouse screws you in front of
everyone in the courtroom.
6. Lastly, is also Social
Security Sex...that's when you get a little bit once a month but
it's not enough to live on....
January 5, 2007
“Wild”
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I
noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red,
orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?".
The old man did
not bat an eye in his response. He replied, "Yep, I sure have. I got
so drunk once I wound up having sex with a peacock. Now I’m just
wondering if you’re my son!"
January 8, 2007
“Size”
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but
couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you
became informed!
{A} Almost boobs...
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't complain!
{D} Damn!
{DD} Double damn!
{E}
Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've
fallen and I can't get up!
January 9, 2007
“Duck”
A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon,
so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells
them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given
everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he
comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!"
His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other
brothers do."
About a day later the second brother comes
home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck."
The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but
let's wait and see what your little brother does."
While the
last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to
pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful
girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck
for a fuck."
She replied, "Ok."
When the boy got
home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, "You
get your ass back in that bar and get that duck back!"
So
the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his
tale. He then said, "I'll give you a fuck for that duck." She agreed
and while they were fucking the duck flew out the window and got hit
by a truck.
The truck driver was so sorry about what had
happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied,
"$20 would do nicely." "No problem," said the driver.
When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He said to his
father, "I got a fuck for a duck a duck for a fuck and twenty bucks
for a fucked up duck."
January 10, 2007
“Satisfied”
There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were
famished, looking for any food they could find, but to no avail.
Later on, the rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching
its way nearby. The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce
on the worm, eating it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his
belly in pure satisfaction.
The cat looks at the rooster and
thinks to himself,"Well, if he can do it, I can do it." Not long
after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying
nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with
all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in
the lake. What is the moral of the story?
Where there is a
satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy...
January 11, 2007
“Parrot”
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a
relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws one of the
next door neighbor’s turkeys and tries to rush back home, but not
before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbors
knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has done. The owners
of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's
going to shave the parrots head.
That night the Parrot,
overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws another of his
neighbor’s turkeys. Once again caught in the act, the owner ties the
bird down and proceeds to shave his head.
The following
morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the
relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano
and tell him he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to
sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. 'Grooms side to
the left and Brides side to the right'. Until a bald guy walk in and
the parrot says, 'Hey Turkey Fucker, up on the piano with me!!!'
January 12, 2007
“Lesson”
An old biker teaches young punks about women:
The important thing to remember is that a woman is like a
vintage Panhead Harley... you have to throw a leg over and hang on
with both hands - which it true - but more specifically, a woman has
to warm up before you can get optimum performance out of
her.
This warming up process is called... sexual harassment, by
most of the women who know you, but in normal circles we call it
foreplay.
Since this is a term not related to drug use, day-time
talk shows or animal husbandry I will define it for you. Foreplay is
sexual stimulation leading up to, but not including, coitus.
When
engaging in foreplay it is important to pay attention to all of the
erogenous zones. This includes:
* Kissing the neck
* Rubbing
and kissing the nipples
* Gently massaging the buttocks
*
Manual stimulation of the labia and clitoris
* Writing her a
check or giving her your credit card
However, the most important
element of foreplay is oral sex. There are a hundred different
techniques for this, from the faithful figure eight to the rather
complicated rolled-tongue clam-digger. But no matter what you do it
is almost impossible to go too far wrong as long as you a) spit out
your chewing tobacco first, b) don't bite, and c) don't blow into
it!
Oral sex as an element of foreplay is all about timing. If
you're face-first in the promised land and working it like a
dehydrated coon hound at the water bowl it is very possible to go
too far. If your date happens to be fantasizing about a real man
while you're busy she just might reach an orgasm without any help
from your pathetic pecker at all.
The trick is to bring her three
quarters of the way up the mountain and then you can take the two
minutes it will be necessary to plant your flag at the peak.
How
to tell if she is approaching orgasm?
* Increased
respiration
* Moaning
* Hips roll forward
* She's
awake
Since I have better things to do than pander to you nimrods
all day I will continue this next week. You won't want to miss it as
we will cover, how to tell the difference between an asshole and a
pussy, the G-spot: Myth and Mystery and when light bondage turns
into assault and battery.
Where was I? Oh, yes. So you've set the
mood, figured out how to get your partner undressed, and fumbled
your way through enough foreplay so that she is at least awake if
not actually aroused. Now it is time to deliver the coup de
grace.
Penetration can be achieved with a number of different
approaches, some more acrobatic than others. But for the sake of
simplicity and constraints of space I will list here only the basic
four which are as follows...
1. Missionary, prone
2.
Missionary, kneeling
3. Woman on top
4. Man behind, or
"Doggy-style"
Each technique has its own advantages and
disadvantages.
The Missionary, prone position provides some
stimulation of the G-spot while also stimulating the
clitoris.
The Missionary, kneeling position increases stimulation
of the G-spot while reducing stimulation of the clitoris.
With
the woman in the mounted position the degree of penetration
increases while simultaneously offering her the advantage of
controlling the angle and force of the thrusts.
The "Doggy-style"
position offers the greatest degree of penetration with the least
amount of stimulation for the woman. However, if you are endowed
with any more meat than a Vienna sausage you may be able to 'bottom
out' in this position and the pressure on the cervix can provide its
own pleasurable sensation.
CAUTION: For decorum's sake, before
penetration do not slap her thigh and say, "Spread 'em, Baby. The
pigskin bus is pulling into Tuna-town." No matter how receptive you
think she is this runs a very high risk of termination before
completion.
While pumping away at the old well it is important to
observe your partner's physical cues. Is her breath rate increasing?
Is she moaning? Has she started calling out my name? These are all
cues that she is approaching orgasm.
If she is completely quiet
or relaxed, if her lubrication has completely dried up, if she is
snoring, you will need to change your pace or technique, or possibly
even go back to foreplay to bring her back to the proper level or
arousal.
The actual moment of orgasm manifests itself in many
different ways for different types of women. I've known women to
close their eyes and shake, yell, bite, pull hair, scream foul
language, even cry or laugh. But the almost universal signs are a
distinct flushing of the skin and a tightening or spasm of the
vagina. (This is the ONLY time you can get away with asking her who
her daddy is.) If these are present you can squirt then climb out of
the saddle and go get yourself a beer.
January 15, 2007
"Cowboy"
An old cowboy went to a bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat
down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a
real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the
ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I
guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day
thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think
about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or
even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think
about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time
later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
January 16, 2007
"Quickies"
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike
Bar
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Blowjob?
A.
Blowjob: You can beat your meat or your eggs, but you can't beat a
blowjob.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned
home.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A.
Clitty litter
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get
blow jobs while they're driving
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A.
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off,
you wonder where her tits went.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. With
both you push it aside and start eating.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. One prick
and its all over.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the
circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male
snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates
successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and
good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be
open minded.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas
station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the
nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what
it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.
Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A.
Bisexual.
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after
mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why
don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in
adolescence.
Q. What's the difference between men and
government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and
take shorter strokes.
Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A. A
cock that stays up all night.
Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a
nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?
A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house
when they leave.
January 17, 2007
“Super”
An old gentleman and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night
when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings
open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The man replies, "I'll have the soup."
January 18, 2007
“Foreplay”
A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon
swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".
Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river
bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue
bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can
reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".
Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of
the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the
blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear
will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear
as a
trophy".
Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he
also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly
down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I
will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".
Unbeknownst to the mouse a pussy cat was hiding in the bushes and
he also
saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear,
the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump
on the
mouse".
So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and
caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the
hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich
from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the
river.
The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a
wet pussy.
January 19, 2007
“Porn”
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My
penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop
his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this
are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the
guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was
fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be
the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real
asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had
no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of
weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what
I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc
figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I
got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has
got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For
years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid
of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little
longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy
replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno
flicks and munch on Cheetos."
January 22, 2007
“Name”
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge
of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging
between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that
the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple
thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call
that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2
round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The
doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the
cheeks of my ass!"
January 23, 2007
“Rules”
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband
laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at
what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from
you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening,
unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and
card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,"
he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's
fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at
seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."
January 24, 2007
“Stiff”
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the
waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man
looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what
are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last
week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This
is your Grandma's idea."
January 25, 2007
“Wish”
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she
notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square,
what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second,
"I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got
it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."
"OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The
goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come
true you have to have sex with me all night." The woman says, "OK then, if that's
what it takes..."
They fuck all night. Doggy style, 69, in her ass, in her mouth, between her tits, him on top, her on top, on the sofa, on the floor, on the bed; at
last at four in the morning they both fall asleep exhausted.
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she
replies
"Damn", says the man, "27 and you still believe in
goblins!"
January 26, 2007
“Positions”
A man preparing for religious conversion meets with the orthodox
Rabbi for his final session before marrying a Jewish woman. The
Rabbi asks if he has any final questions.
The man asks, "Is
it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says
the Rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well,
okay," says the man, "But what about sex?"
"Fine," says the
Rabbi joyfully. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about
different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the
Rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Fine by me," replies the
Rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course."
"Well, what
about standing up?"
"NO!" says the Rabbi....
"Why not?" asks
the man.
In a scolding tone the Rabbi replies "It could lead
to dancing!"
January 30, 2007
“Eighteen”
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local “make out”
spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple
inside with the light on. The policeman walked over to the car
where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer
magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly
knitting. He walked up to the driver's window and
knocked.
The young man looked up, rolled down the window and
said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman
asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm
reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the
back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The
young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is
knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are
you young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is
she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in
about ten more minutes she'll be eighteen!"
January 31,
2007
Happy Birthday Meal Maven!
Today's
joke selected by the birthday girl
"Driver"
There was this guy
sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would
mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", (spit), "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive",
(spit), "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", (spit).
A man sits
down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep
saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you
spit."
"Well," says the guy, "My friend just got a brand-new
sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride.
So I say sure, why not?" "He picks me up and we drive up to the
mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and
his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now
we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're
going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got
my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to
do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on
our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on
our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I
figure this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turn to him
and say, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the
best fucking blow job you've ever had!!"
"DAMN, THAT
SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!" (spit)
