“Duck”

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested."
He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck."
"Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."
So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....
When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."
As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.
She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm going to send you to her. Just let me call ahead."
She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

“Name”

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested.
"The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke


June 5th, 2007

"Vegas"

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a month." 

June 6th, 2007