JOTD March 2007

March 1st, 2007

“Elephant”

A little old lady in a nursing home walks into the common room and raises her fist while announcing "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
One of the men in the back of the room playing cards yells, "An elephant!" and the old gal replies, "Close enough."

March 2nd, 2007

“Prayer”

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.

No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.

But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.

I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine.
So where‘s that vibrator?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

March 5th, 2007

“Hung”

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse starts laughing.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, here’s your two hundred bucks but, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"

"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."

March 6th, 2007

“Definition”

I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense. I contend it defines itself. Nothing could be easier. No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. The difference is simple,

"Soft core" pornography gives you a soft-on.

March 7th, 2007

“Caught”

A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," Bob replies. "I just got caught screwing my neighbor."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No" said the customer, "HIS wife!"

March 8th, 2007

“Wife”

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" She replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" Once again she says, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and again she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get in his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She exclaims, "Oh, now I understand!...where is she?"

March 9th, 2007

“Girls”

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls say, "No."
Bad girls say, "When?"
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

March 12th, 2007

“Drugs”

Two teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them,
'This is your asshole before prison.'"

March 13th, 2007

“Eat”

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, greying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye -- young, ravishing and delectable. As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, I’ll select something from the cart." Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home?"
"Well, no." she admitted, "But there’s no one at home that wants to fuck me."

March 14th, 2007

"Nude"

There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

March 15th, 2007

“Implant”

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote. However, there are some potential side effects with the new Orgasm Implant:

1. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.

3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes and Mum: never complains

4. A single women never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car.

7. Now The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming and coming...

8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."

11. Every time her cell phone rings, a woman may feel the uncontrollable urge to shout her surgeon's name.

12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

March 16th, 2007
Happy St. Patrick's Day From Your Webmaster

“Wife”

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Johnny." Mary said.

A few days later, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She replied, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

March 19th, 2007

“Perfect”

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
Midnight Sleep.

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of George Bush's resignation. Dick Cheney is indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
Midnight Blowjob. Sleep.

March 20th, 2007

“Frog”

Jim is a pretty wild and crazy guy who sometimes gets bored and has to dream up new and exciting ways to get his kicks.

One afternoon, Jim put a frog in his shirt pocket and walked into a local drinking establishment. The cocktail waitress came over and asked him what he would like to drink. After taking his order, the waitress said, "Hey, what's with the frog in your pocket?"

Jim said, "He’s my pet frog. He eats pussy."

The waitress said, “Oh, really?”

Jim replied, “Yep, and you know how long and fast frog tongues are.”

The waitress just smiled and got Jim his drink. About 10 minutes later, the waitress came over and asked Jim if she could borrow his frog for a while. Jim said sure, and the waitress hurried off to the back room with the frog. After five or so minutes passed, Jim figured he better go check up on his frog. He walked into the back room to find the waitress lying nude on a pool table, with the frog between her legs.

The waitress said, "Hey mister, this frog doesn't do anything."

Jim said, "Get out of the way frog, now this is the last time I am going to show you how to do this."

March 21st, 2007

“Quickies”

What's better than a perfect ten?
A five that fucks.

Why did God create man?
Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

So the elephant says to the naked man, "You breathe through that little thing?"

Bob: "I just got a fucking speeding ticket"
Tim: "How fast were you fucking?"

You know it was a wild night when:
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.

Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.

March 22nd, 2007

“Kneasels”

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

March 23rd, 2007

“Snake”

Two guys were camping for the weekend. The first night, as they were getting into their sleeping bags one of the guys jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON MY DICK!!"
The other friend said, "Don't worry, I’ll get on my cell phone and dial 911. They’ll send help and tell me what to do until help arrives.
After the 911 dispatcher figures out where they are, she says that it will be 30 minutes until the paramedics can get to them by jeep. Then she says, "Your friend will hang on until they arrive if you follow my instructions. All you have to do is keep him calm and suck the poison out."
The guy says thank you and hangs up.
His injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THEY SAY? WHAT DID THEY SAY?"
The guy replies, "Dude, they said you’re gonna die."

March 26th, 2007

“Mad”

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of this disease?"
The farmer replies, "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
Startled, the reporter says, "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow Disease?"
Farmer Brown continues on, "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
Now frustrated the reporter says, "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
The farmer replies, "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but you’re only getting laid you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

March 27th, 2007

"Bike"

A missionary who had spent years learning their language while showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, they see a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills the man. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill that guy in cold blood?
The chief replied, "My bike."

March 28th, 2007

"Moose"

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.

March 29th, 2007

"Guidance"

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

March 30th, 2007

“Truth”

A fellow came to a house with a red light burning in front. He knocked on the door that was slightly ajar and no one answered so he stepped inside. There was no one in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a week" and "Over 4 times a week."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a week" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."