May 1st,
2007
"Ears"
A Martian couple landed on
Earth. They emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a
farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife
answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come
in to chat.
The farm couple extended their hospitality and they
all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said, "Do
you two swing?"
The Martian replied, "Why yes, we do." And so
they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.
After
the Martian man had climbed on, he said to the Earth woman, "Is my
dick long enough?"
She replied, "Well...now that you mention it,
it could be a little longer."
"No problem," he said and proceeded
to twist his left ear. Like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that
now?"
"One notch more!" said the woman.
Her request was
promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next
question was, "Would you like it a little thicker?"
"Don't mind
if it is." she replied. He twisted his right ear once. The woman
said, "That's perfect!" They proceeded to bang away.
The next
morning the Earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband
said, "How was it for you?"
The wife replied, "Super! How about
you?"
The husband responded, "Well, it was pretty good except for
one thing."
"What was that?" his wife inquired.
"She damn near tore my
ears off!"
May 2nd, 2007
“Fifty”
Since Judy is eight months into
her pregnancy, Sam has to sleep on the sofa to avoid any regrettable
mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate
for quite a while now. Just before going to bed, she walks past him
and sees the poor guy curled up, eyes staring widely into the empty
air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband,
Judy gets her purse, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to
him saying “Awww, my honey is so horny... here, take this and go
next door. Ron is out of town on business and Suzie will let you
play with her tonight. Remember that this happens only
once...ok?...don't think about it again.” Sam rolls his eyes in
disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the
money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, Sam returns with a
long face, hands the bill back his wife and says with much
disappointment. “Suzie said this isn’t enough, she wants a hundred
bucks.”
Judy’s face turns
red with anger and she blurts out “Damn that bitch! When she was
pregnant and Ron came over here, I only charged them
fifty!”
May 3rd, 2007
“Magic”
A girl goes up to a guy in a bar
and says,
"You want to have Magic Sex?"
Startled, he asks
"What's that?"
She replies "We go to my house and fuck...then
you disappear."
May 4th, 2007
“Husband”
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay
home one day.
He was glad for the interlude because it taught him
how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him
around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out
and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's
home!"
May 7th, 2007
“Fuck”
Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a
beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd
sure like to fuck her!"
"Really?" the other responded,
"Out of what?"
May 8th, 2007
"Four!"
A man staggers into
an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron golf club
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him
what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was
having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was
rooting around I noticed one of the cows flicking its tail. I was
sure I saw something white near its rear end. I walked over and
lifted up the tail and, sure enough, there was my wife's golf
ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when
I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, Honey. This
looks like yours!"
May 9th, 2007
“Ravished”
A farmer goes to a livestock
dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The
farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am
I going to carry all this home? The livestock dealer says, "Why
don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other
hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer says, and off he goes. While
walking home he meets a middle aged lady who told him she was lost.
She asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down
the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time." The woman replies, "I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,
and ravish me?" The farmer exclaims, "Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying
a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She
looks him in the eye and says,
"Set the goose down, cover him
with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ...
I'll
hold the chickens."
May 10th, 2007
"Weighed"
Joe took his blind date to the
carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want
to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won
a prize.
Next the couple went on the
Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the
weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the
carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed!"
she exclaimed. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and
took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her
roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it
go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was
wousy."
May 11th, 2007
“Called”
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his
first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A
gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his hard on, comes over to him
grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies:
"No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me
explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies
you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a
pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily
lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the
facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few
seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection
lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did
you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies
you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends
him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back
to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked
receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." The
receptionist protests: "But Sir, you've only been here a
couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities.....
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old,
I get a hard on maybe twice a week, but I fart four or five
times a day!
May 14th, 2007
“Note”
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his
wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE
TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
TO HELL WITH
BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note
and sent it back by the boy.
It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE
DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO
CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It
read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL
SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME
HEAD.
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR
POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!
May 15th, 2007
"Talented"
A man is sitting on a train
across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his
efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the woman's
thighs. To his delight, she spreads her legs and he sees she
has gone without underwear.
The blonde knows he is
staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm
sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," she says back to
him, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to
you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really
interested, asks what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also
make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the
pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me,"
suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is
asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Can it whistle
too?"
May 16th, 2007
"Pack!"
A woman gets home,
screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the
door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags; I
won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What
should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells
back, "it doesn't matter....just get the fuck out!"
May 17th, 2007
"S & M"
Sue and Sally
meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other
since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to
date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes,
etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK.
We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's
yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S
& M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I
masturbate."
May 18th, 2007
“Larry”
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands
named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after
any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a
minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me
anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says,
"7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The
third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack
Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and
the first lady says, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard
liquor."
The third lady says,
"Yep, that's my Larry!"
May 18th, 2007
“Tape”
The friends of the bride decided
to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on
their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this
by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.
Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape
and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's
happiness!" But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that
they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.
When they slowed
the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her
shouting at him,
"That's a penis?! That's a
penis?!"
May 19th, 2007
"Mourning"
Sadie lost her husband almost
four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression,
mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally,
Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in
the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there
she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of
black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking he asks, "Why
the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my
body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He
knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the
same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he
is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a
black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this..a black
condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my
condolences."
May 20th, 2007
"Life"
There was a man who really took
care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and
noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his
penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the
beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except
for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit
later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one
using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing a
cock sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to
move it around with her cane as it became erect.
Remarking
to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice
in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you
mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at
that....
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I
was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I
was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When
I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the
damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to
squat!"
May 21st, 2007
“Washcloth”
There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy
walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs &
says:
"Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.
"Well,
that's Mommy's washcloth."
The next day he walked in on her
again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth.
Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got
tired of him asking.
So the next day when he walked in on her, he
asks:
"Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"
"Uh, Mommy lost
it." So the little boy walked out.
The next day he walked in on
his mom & says:
"Hey
Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's
face with it!"
May 29th, 2007
“Quickies”
Question: What’s the square
root of 69?
Answer: EIGHT something
Q:
What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
A: You
don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q: Why are
cowgirls always bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats
on.
Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a
prostitute?
A: A little fucker about so tall.
I absolutley
hate sex on the television.....
I keep falling off!
May 30th, 2007
"
Eve"
After three weeks in
the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How's things, Eve?" He asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful...but I just have this one problem. It's these three
breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out,
and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported
Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot
at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured
you'd need half, but I see that you're right. I'll fix that up right
away!" and God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off,
tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once
again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite
creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one
small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired
off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have
a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You
know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do
need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
Now, let's see ... where did I leave that
useless boob?
May 31th, 2007
A
Special Joke Dedicated To All Of My Fellow Geeks - Your
Webmaster
"Geeks"
Two
software programmers meet in the park for lunch.
First Software
programmer, "Hey where did you get that great mountain bike? I bet
it cost you a pretty penny?"
Second programmer, "It was free!!"
First programmer, "How did you get it free?"
Second
programmer, "The other day I came to this park to eat and this
really beautiful woman rode up. She jumped off the bike, took off
all her clothes, and said 'you can have anything you want!'"
First programmer, "You were right to take the bike. I bet none
of her clothes would've fit you."
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