Today's Joke
November 30th, 2007
“Style”
On
the way upstairs to her room, the prostitute said not a word to her
customer. He finally asked, "Are you feeling hostile
tonight?"
She replied, "Missionary-style, doggy-style, hos-style,
whatever turns you on!"
November 1st, 2007
"Island"
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of
nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men
and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men
and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2
Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American
woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Australian men and
1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2
Irish men and 1 Irish woman
After one month, the following things have
occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless
ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started
swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues
of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her
body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do
everything that they can do, the equal division of household chores,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much
nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at
least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are
waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for
the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after
calling them 'bloody wankers".
One New Zealand man is having sex with the New
Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for
sheep.
The Irish divided the island
into North and South and immediately set up a distillery. They do
not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy
after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are
satisfied that at least the English are not getting
any.
November 2nd,
2007
"Jamaica"
A few months before Jack
married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how
much he loved her. When erect, her name was fully visible; when
deflated, it read Wy. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special
emblem of devotion."
After they were married, they went to
Jamaica on their honeymoon. Their hotel had two beaches, one
traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach,
Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay
on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold
drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the
bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.
Jack tried
not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy"
tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a
coincidence, I tattooed my girlfriend's name on my dick, your
girlfriend must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the
bartender said and laughed. "Mine say,
"WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND ENJOY YOUR
STAY"
November 5th,
2007
"Science"
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November 6th, 2007
“Sisters”
The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for
many years.
“Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly
the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and
be married in no time!” says the matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,”
replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my
needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ’two sisters’. I
didn’t say they were mine.”
November 7th, 2007
"Bump"
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the
clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man
turns and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."
In a soft voice she replies, "If your cock
is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 621."
November 8th, 2007
"Canaries"
Three young women
are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in
life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others
with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband
just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable
pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with
you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material
possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is
that ten canaries could stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect
cock."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress
you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not
to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a
Mercedes, he bought me a Toyota."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a
confession to make, canary number ten would have to stand
on one leg!"
November 9th, 2007
“Ethics”
Doctor, doctor, please kiss me,"
says the patient. "No, I'm sorry, that would be against the
code of ethics," says the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient
says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once." "No, I'm sorry, I
just can't" he replies.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please,
please kiss me!" "Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the
question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
November 12th,
2007
"Rules"
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November 13th, 2007
"Vengeance"
Two high school sweethearts who
went out together for four years in high school had started
out virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each
other in 11th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to
the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east
coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be
faithful to each other and spend anytime they could
together.
As time went on, the guy would
call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she
would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her,
she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him
she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and
increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her
love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she
wanted to get him off her back.So, what
she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with
her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well,
needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was
pissed. So, what he did in return was..... wrote on the back of the photo the following,
"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and mailed the picture to her
parents.
November 14th, 2007
"Disgrace"
Grandmother
was from the old country and visiting for the holidays.
When she heard that her granddaughter was going out on a date she
said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He
is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't
let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel
your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother
said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of
you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't
let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of
advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day
she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady
said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let
him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on
top of him and disgraced his family!"
November 15th, 2007
"Qualifications"
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO
SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN
BED
For several months, her phone
rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received
tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her
qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang
yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no
legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you
and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search
is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I
can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run
away."
The old woman asked, "What makes
you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell,
didn't I?"
November 16th, 2007
“Kidnapped”
A husband returns home from work one night to
discover that his wife is missing. He spends the next two days
looking for her, only to come home on the second night and find his
spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta.
“You’re alive!”
he cries. “Where have you been all this time?”
“This tall
muscular man kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week,” she
replies.
Puzzled he says, “But you’ve only been gone two
days…”
“Yeah, I’m just here for a quick dinner and a change
of clothes!”
November 19th,
2007
"Jacket"
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November 20th, 2007
“Laundry”
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when
they hear the garage door open. "It's my husband!" the woman says.
They quickly get dressed and the woman says, "Here start ironing
these" tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks
why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he
is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy
stays and finishes the shirts, leaves and walks down the street to
catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and
tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says,
"Pal, are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in
that 2 story brick job on the corner of Elm and Park?" "Yes, I am."
the guy replies, then asks “Do you know her?”
The man
shakes his head and says "Hell dude, who do you think washed those
damn shirts!"
November 20th, 2007
“Mileage”
Scientists have determined that the average time of
intercourse lasts 18 minutes and the average number of strokes is 9
per minute, making the average intercourse 162 strokes. Since the
average length of a penis is about 6 inches, a pussy receives 972
inches or 81 feet of dick per session.
If the average girl does
it 6 times per month, (72 times annually) 72 x 81 makes 5832 feet,
or just over a mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex
at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could
say that in her 59 years of screwing she would be getting 344,088
feet, or 114,696 yards, or about 65 miles of cock in a
lifetime.
Anyone whose getting or giving more than that is a slut
and should leave some for the rest of us!
I hope each and every
one of you give or get 81 feet this week.
That's something to be
thankful for!
-Your
Webmaster
November 26th, 2007
“Lines”
88 LINES ABOUT 44 WOMEN
By The Nails
Deborah was a Catholic girl
she held out till the bitter
end
Carla was a different type
she's the one who put it
in
Mary was a black girl
I was afraid of a girl like
that
Suzen painted pictures
sitting down like a Buddha
sat
Reno was a nameless girl
a geographic memory
Cathy
was a Jesus freak
she liked that kind of misery
Vicki had
a special way
of turning sex into a song
Kamala, who couldn't
sing,
kept the beat and kept it strong
Zilla was an
archetype
the voodoo queen, the queen of wrath
Joan thought
men were second best
to masturbating in a bath
Sherry was
a feminist
she really had that gift of gab
Kathleen's point of
view was this
take whatever you can grab
Seattle was
another girl
who left her mark upon the map
Karen liked to tie
me up
and left me hanging by a strap
Jeannie had a
nightclub walk
that made grown men feel underage
Mariella, who
had a son,
said I must go, but finally stayed
Gloria, the
last taboo
was shattered by her tongue one night
Mimi brought
the taboo back
and held it up before the light
Marilyn,
who knew no shame,
was never ever satisfied
Julie came and
went so fast
she didn't even say goodbye
Rhonda had a
house in Venice
lived on brown rice and cocaine
Patty had a
house in Houston
shot cough syrup in her veins
Linda
thought her life was empty
filled it up with alcohol
Katherine
was much too pretty
she didn't do that shit at all
Pauline
thought that love was simple
turn it on and turn it
off
Jean-Marie was complicated
like some French filmmaker's
plot
Gina was the perfect lady
always had her stockings
straight
Jackie was a rich punk rocker
silver spoon and a
paper plate
Sarah was a modern dancer
lean pristine
transparency
Janet wrote bad poetry
in a crazy kind of
urgency
Tanya Turkish liked to fuck
while wearing leather
biker boots
Brenda's strange obsession
was for certain
vegetables and fruit
Rowena was an artist's daughter
the
deeper image shook her up
Dee Dee's mother left her
father
took his money and his truck
Debbie Rae had no such
problems
perfect Norman Rockwell home
Nina, 16, had a
baby
left her parents, lived alone
Bobbi joined a New Wave
band
changed her name to Bobbi Sox
Eloise, who played
guitar,
sang songs about whales and cops
Terri didn't give
a shit
was just a nihilist
Ronnie was much more my
style
cause she wrote songs just like this
Jezebel went
forty days
drinking nothing but Perrier
Dinah drove her
Chevrolet
into the San Francisco Bay
Judy came from
Ohio
she's a Scientologist
Amaranta, here's a kiss
I
chose you to end this list.
November 27th, 2007
“Drunk”
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes
in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle,
shouting, "Your mother is the best lay in town!"
Everyone
expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off
and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the
drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed
your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take
the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten
minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Before I fucked your
mama she sucked my dick!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go
home, Dad,... you're drunk!"
November 28th,
2007
“Cash”
One day a man walks into a tattoo parlor and
tells the tattoo artist that he wanted a 100 dollar bill tattooed on
his dick. The tattoo artist told him that was really strange but, if
he could give him three reasons why he wanted the tattoo he would do
the work. The man thinks for a moment and says. "Well, for one, I
like to play with money, two, I like to watch my
money grow, and three, if my wife wants to blow 100 dollars,
she doesn’t have to go to the mall!"
November 29th, 2007
“Talk”
A guy picks up this woman
up in a neighborhood bar. While they are walking to
his apartment he doesn't say a thing. "You're not the
communicative type, are you?" she asks as they are
undressing.
"Nah," he replies as he is taking off his pants.
"I do all my talking with this."
"DAMN," says the girl. "You
don't have much to say, do you?"
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