October 1st, 2007
“Jerome”
While walking home from work one day, Frank saw a
woman weeping uncontrolably. “What's wrong?” he asked, putting an
arm around her shoulder.
“It's horrible,” she said, “just horrible -- Jerome
is dead!” Feeling there was little he could do, Frank walked on.
A few minutes later, he came upon another woman
crying hysterically. “Jerome is dead!” she screamed as she staggered
past.
Continuing along the road, Frank came upon a
sickening sight: an Adonis of a man lay on the road beneath the
wheels of a truck. The force of the impact had ripped the man's
clothes off and, much to Frank's surprise, the man had a cock over a
foot long. There were several other women surrounding him screaming,
“'Jerome is dead! Jerome is dead!”
Upon reaching his house, he said to his wife,
“Honey, you won't believe what I just saw. A man was lying
dead in the road, stiff as a board -- and he had a dick at
least twelve inches long.”
She gasp, “Jerome is
dead?!”
October 2nd,
2007
"Walk"
A Scottish man was at a
baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the
sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took
a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet
screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single
and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into
the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The
umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed,
"R-R-Run man, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So
the Scot, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan,
seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He
can't run -- he got four balls."
The Scottish man stood
up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with
pride!"
October 3rd, 2007
"Spank"
One day a Mom was cleaning her son's room and in the
closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly
upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until her husband got
home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back
to her with out a word. Perplexed, she asked him, "What should
we do about this?"
The guy looked at his wife and
said, "Well, I don't think you should spank
him."
October 4th, 2007
"Final"
A high school English teacher is asked
when the final exam will be. After she tells the class the date and
time, a smart-ass jock raises his hand and says, "What if that day I
needed to stay home because I was sexually exhausted?"
The English
teacher quickly replied, "No excuse. Come to class and use your
other hand to write with."
October 5th, 2007
“Gift”
Adam was talking to his friend Joe at the bar,
and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday -
she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she
wants. I'm stuck."
Joe said, "I have an idea! Why
don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of
great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
It sounded like a great idea so Adam decided to take Joe's advice.
The next day at the bar Joe said, "Well? Did you take my
suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"She jumped up, thanked me and
ran out the door, yelling I'll be back in an hour!!"
October 8th, 2007
“Hole”
There was an American man that had an meeting in
France. His first night in Paris he met a woman. While they were
where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not
know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with French
businessmen. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU
FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said,
"what do you mean wrong hole?"
October 10th, 2007
" Shakespeare"
A woman was
out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was
bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,
"Momma, look
at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that
it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of
comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare.
He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.
Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the
last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said,
"Lo, what manner of man are
these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
October 11th, 2007
"Honeymoon"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the
ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the
doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The
doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage,and
wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy
mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw
them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these."
He whips down his
pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
October 12th, 2007
“Twice”
Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very
lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris,
the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Morris picked up
her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also
had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to
Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he
finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her
lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my
daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris
said "What do you mean "twice"?...we only did it once."
Sadie
looked at Morris and said, "Well, we're going to do it again, aren't
we?"
October 15th, 2007
“Not”
An old retired sailor puts on his uniform and goes down to the
docks once more for old times’ sake. After drinking all night at a
habor bar he hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s
going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor
asks, “How am I doing?”
The girl replies, “Well, sailor,
you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” he replies,
“What’s that mean?”
She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in,
and you’re knot getting your money back.”
October 16th, 2007
"Think"
Johnny was in class when the teacher
asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots
one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others
would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two,
but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his
teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women
over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the
cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a
popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks"
"Actually" said Johnny " its the one without a wedding ring, but I
like the way you think".
October 17th, 2007
"Ten"
Top Ten Pick Up Sure Bet Pickup Lines:
10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide?
9. If you were a naval captain, would you let me
inspect your seamen?
8. This bra is so tight its uncomfortable.
7. You must know a good rain dance, cuz you’re
making me wet.
6. Excuse me my lipstick rolled underneath your
seat, mind if I get under you?
5. I was thinking of volunteering at the fire
department, could I practice sliding down your pole?
4. How many licks does it take to get to the center
of your tootsie pop?
3. Stick it in me Big Boy!!
2. Either I just spilled my drink in my lap or I’m
really happy to see you.
1. Your face reminds me of a La-Z –Boy, I could sit on it all day
long!
October 18th, 2007
"Compare"
Five guys were in a bar. Being slightly sloshed,
they start to argue with each other about the size of their penises.
They keep drinking and eventually the discussion escalates into a
full-blown argument, with each man thinking his dick is the biggest.
Trying to end the argument, the bartender suggests, "Whip them out
and put them on the bar then you can compare." The drunks think that
is a great idea. As they are plopping their meat on the bar, a gay
guy walks in, looks around, and says to the bartender,
"I think I'll
have the buffet."
October 19th, 2007
“Naked”
A man was having an affair with a married woman.
When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round.
Just as they got down to business, they heard a car drive up. The
woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten
something."
The woman to the front of the house, and the man
jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally
starkers, so hid behind a bush. A few minutes later, a nudist group
ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.
After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So
how long have you been a nudist?" the runner asked.
"Not long"
he replied
"what about that?" the other man said to him,
pointing to the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, I thought it might
rain!"
October 22nd, 2007
“Lube”
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks
on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young
housewife.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a
petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the
product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she
answers.
The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you
for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you
use it?”
“Sure, we put it on
the doorknob so the kids can’t get in!”
October 23rd, 2007
“Quotes”
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an
attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can
fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter
what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like
black pimps." Tiger Woods
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev.
Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for
the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not
paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are
reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the
problem?" Dustin Hoffman
October
24th, 2007
"Eat"
A guy met
a girl one day and fell completely in love with her. It was love at
first sight and they were married the next day. He woke up the day
after being married and asked his new wife, "What's for breakfast
dear?"
She replied, "I got your breakfast right here bud!"
So he went down on her and ate her out.
He then went to work
and returned home for lunch. He asked his wife, "Honey, what you got
for lunch?"
So she replied, "I got your lunch right here!"
He again ate her out happily.
He returned back to work and
at day's end was hungry as hell. He dragged his ass home feeling
kind of weak and opened the door in amazement to see his wife
running up the stairs naked and sliding down the banister. She did
this over and over...
He finally asked, "What the hell are you
doing?"
She replied,
"Warming up your supper!"
October 25th, 2007
"Raffle"
A woman arrives home from work and her husband
notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where
did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get
my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work
wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the
bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get
my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home
from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a
raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get
my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to
take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the
tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water
in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle
ticket wet."
October 26th, 2007
To kick off
the Pumpkin Carving Party Weekend
I give you the following
joke
See you at the party!
-Your Webmaster
“Pumpkin”
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden,
her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with
everything she needs to go to the ball, then she explains the
conditions.
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. Second, if
you're not home by midnight, your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in
the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy
godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
hours ago!''
Cinderella replies, ''I met a prince, Fairy
Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power!”
exclaims the fairy, “Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly.” Cinderella says dreamily,
“It was Peter.......Peter
something or other...''
October 29th, 2007
“Witchdoctor”
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a
witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes
his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it
will only work once a month. All you have to do is say ‘one, two,
three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After
your wife’s been satisfied, have her say ‘one, two, three, four’ and
it will disappear for a month.”
Later that night as the man
is lying in bed, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!”
His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife is amazed.
She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two,
three’ for?”
October 30th, 2007
"Quickies"
What are the three words men hate to hear during sex
?
"Are you done ?"
What are the three words women hate to hear during
sex ?
"Honey, I'm home!"
Why were men given larger brains than dogs ?
So
they won't hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms
?
Both capture the moment.
Why is pubic hair always curly ?
Otherwise it'll
poke your eyes.
What's the difference between a slut and a
bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex
with anyone but you.
Why is the penis so depressed ?
His best friends
are two nuts who live next to an asshole.
What two things can get a woman pregnant, and where
?
Her legs...in the air.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky
?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using a whole chicken.
What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in
common?
The longer you play with them the harder they get.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light
bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it
out
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The
closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What's the difference between a gynecologist and a
genealogist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a
gynecologist looks up the family bush.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse
say?
Beat it - we're
closed.
October 31st, 2007
"Purse"
A woman is sitting at a bar having a few
drinks. The bartender notices that the woman finishes a drink
then looks in her purse, she downs another drink then looks in the
purse.
After a while the bartender goes over and asks what is so
important that she continues to look inside her purse after every
drink.
The woman replies, "I have a picture of my husband inside
my purse. When he starts looking good, I've had enough to drink and
I'm going to go
home."
