January 14, 2009

“Train”

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"  So he lies down next to the wife...
Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

January 21, 2009

“Fruits”

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Thursday and they had not been seen for 2 days. An retired couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a voice from inside answered. The old man asked if the accommodations were OK and if they would be having the Sunday brunch.

The voice replies, "Everything is fine. We're living on the fruits of love" and in the background was a young woman’s giggling.

The old man chuckled and replied, "The fruits of love, huh? Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?...they're choking my ducks!"

January 28, 2009

“Condition”

They had each lost their spouse several years before they moved into the assisted living facility. They played cards together, watched TV and had meals together. After they had known each other for a while, the lady suggested that they take their relationship to a new level.

That evening, the old man gets prepared and goes to the old lady’s room. Having never worn his hearing aid to bed when he was with his departed wife, out of habit he left it behind. She answered the knock in her nicest nightgown. As they were undressing and about to climb into bed, the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. She said, "I should tell you, I have acute angina."

The man replied, "that’s good because you have the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen!"

February 4, 2009

“Hands”

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50
Hand Job: - $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a chicken sandwich!"

February 11, 2009

“Fruit”

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.

The man replied, "My buddy’s out there picking watermelons!"

February 18, 2009

“Rye”

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other guy confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the first man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.

"Well," answered the firsat guy, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks him, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The guy looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."

To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

February 25, 2009

“Fishing”

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" The husband replies "Alright, I'll give you three choices. One, you come fishing with me and the dog; two, you give me a blow job or three, you take it up the ass! I've given you three options. I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? Fishing with me and the dog, a blow job, or do I get your ass?" The wife says, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job." She drops his pants, gets on her knees and suddenly stops, looks up at her husband and exclaims "Oh! This is absolutely disgusting... It smells shitty!"

"Yeah" he replies, "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

March 4, 2009

“Dropped”

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

The guy said "Slut!"…and dropped her.

March 11, 2009

“Raisin”

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I’d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk asks testily.

"No," croaks the old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."

March 18, 2009

“Inch”

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. The girl said, "If you all three have me, you can pay by the inch."

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns reporting a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. The third guy says "Thirty bucks." The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Dudes," replies the third, "I'm not stupid, I paid on the way out, not on the way in!"

March 25, 2009

“Parrot”

There was once an old man and a parrot who had lived all alone together for over 40 years. One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life." So the old man, as a favor to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars. He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed.

He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed. He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.

The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want her naked!"

April 1, 2009

“Hard”

A while back Denise and I had a night alone, together. After dinner I ran out to the store for a special treat while she cleaned up the table and hopped into bed. When I got home I announced from the kitchen that I had brought home a half gallon of her favorite flavor of ice cream.
Denise asked "How hard is it?" and I replied "About as hard as my cock!"

She called back "Ok, then pour me a bowl!"

April 8, 2009

“Ass”

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She replies, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old" and starts jumping again. He chuckles, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 plus year-old ass?"

Still smiling she says, "Well, your name never came up."

April 15, 2009

“Tampons”

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?" Pointing to his brother the nine year old says, "They're for my little brother, he‘s four years old." The cashier is surprised "For your little brother?"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

April 22, 2009

“Ladder”

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 300-pound, 6'4" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry says, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

April 29, 2009

“Suffer”

A couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

May 6, 2009

“Flush”

A man has been hanging out in a bar all day, pounding down drink after drink. He stumbles toward the back of the bar to use the bathroom. He's in there for a while, then he starts yelling pausing between yells with a streem of cussing. After three yells the barmaid reluctantly goes to check on him
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the other customers."
The drunk replies "Every time I try to flush the fucking shitter, something bites my balls!"

The barmaid laughs and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

May 13, 2009

“One”

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
The guy says "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
The wife then asks, "Whatever for?"
The husband explains, "He said he had screwed every woman in the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."